I’m Gonna Kill Myself!

My life has not been secluded from the trauma of death.  From looking in my dad’s eyes as he drowned, to watching cancer take my Papa all at eleven years old, to arriving at the hospital as they are trying to revive my father in law, to holding my wife after we have had to pull the plug on her mother; I have witnessed death.  Being in the presence of those passing on numerous occasions has given me insight that I hope no one else ever has to gain.

One thing I have learned, the stress of passing and the fear of the unknown is far greater for those left grieving than for those passing, (at least those who die at peace with YHWH).

Right after we got married my wife and I rented a house in Terre Haute, IN. really cheap.  We wondered why our little home was so cheap until we discovered the neighbor behind us was sitting in jail just recently arrested on charges of mass murder.  The nights laying in bed knowing the atrocities that were committed less 25 yards from my bedroom was a little creepy.

Later we had purchased a home in the small community of Harmony, IN. and one night while I was home alone (with our two dogs), some guy abducted a woman and murdered her then set her car on fire in the alley behind our home.  Again, knowing what had taken place just feet from me, as I lay sleeping was very strange.

So I have known death and do not fear it as much as I fear losing someone else that I love.  The very thought of life without my wonderful wife or son will quickly bring tears to my eyes.  I would struggle to survive without them here.  My mother is now seventy years old and the reality that she isn’t long with us makes me apprehensive and sad.  I realize when she is gone, I will have no remaining connection to my childhood and the guidance and support only a mother can give will be gone.

Having said that, I don’t really fear dying.  I don’t want to leave my family like my father left us, so that part keeps me wanting to stay here just for their sake alone.  But if I have learned anything in life this I will stake my life on, I fear no one or nothing except YHWH.  If you don’t really know me, you may not believe that, but those who know me can tell you that it’s true.  My family has the reputation of not letting fear keep them from doing anything.  In fact, that is why my dad drowned at the young age of thirty-six, he took one too many risks.

Now at this point you are probably wondering where I am going with this and you may think I need prayer, counseling or both.  However, let me clarify something.  There is a part of me that needs to die.  In fact, if I don’t kill it, it will eventually kill me.  I am talking about my carnal nature.

We are at least triune creations, made up of body (basar), soul (nefesh) and spirit (ruach).  There are possibly other parts to us, but for now let’s leave those alone. 

Our flesh (Hebrew word basar) is the vehicle we ride around in, it is nothing more that the vessel carrying the real you.  it has a useful purpose and we tend to spend way too much time washing, waxing and buffing the outside while ignoring the inside.  We understand our body (basar) is the Temple of the Ruach ha Kodesh(Holy Spirit), in other words the body hosts the Spirit and we should maintain and upkeep the body for this reason alone.  However, we don’t ever want to worship the temple while ignoring the Spirit that lives inside.

There is another element that we have that plays a vital part in how we act and react.  This is known as our soul (Hebrew word nefesh) and it is the whole of a person, their body, breath and mind.  It is this part that tries to rule over us on a daily basis.  This is the part of you that makes you, you.  Your nefesh is best reflected through you personality traits and people will connect your appearance (basar) to your actions (nefesh) and create memories of you based on these two parts.  The soul/nefesh has wants and desires and will drive you to do whatever it takes to fulfill these cravings.  These driving desires makes alcoholics, drug addicts, gluttons and perverse men out of  normal people.  The alcoholic wakes up and wants a drink.  Why?  The nefesh is driving and controlling the basar (body) and the ruach (spirit). 

I believe that some people have become so nefesh driven that they are just above an animal in nature.  They seem to have driven any evidence of ruach (spirit) away and are only controlled by the insatiable desires.  Every minute of their lives is about quenching the desire to feel better.  In fact, just pay attention to how often the media talks about the way you feel.  Ha satan knows how to hook us and knows when we have given in to our nefesh we are killing the ruach. 

Does YHWH want a people with no nefesh?  Does He desire zombies that walk around in some state of auto pilot without personalities or emotions?  NO!  What has to happen to us, is we must kill the carnal nature so that is can be born anew with the conjunction of our ruach with His Ruach.  When we allow the Ruach ha Kodesh to fill our ruach we then become driven by Him and not ourselves.

Does this change our nefesh/personalitiy?  Yes and no.  It does in the sense that we no longer seek the things of sin but seek YHWH.  This makes us produce Spiritual Fruit and act like Yahshua.  But is doesn’t make you act different than the way YHWH made you.  Your life has been a collection of experiences, some good and some bad, but all making you into what you are today.  These experiences make you more suited to reach people who relate to your experiences.  So taking these traits out of you would make you unable to connect to other people in need. 

But let’s get back to my problem for a minute.  I have fought my nefesh now for about…all my life.  I have actually over powered it a few times and had it on life support.  I have been so close to getting it submitted to YHWH on several occasions only to catch myself sneaking into the hospital room and nursing it back to health.  It sounds crazy but it’s true.  You would think that having struck the ole man a near fatal wound that I would draw the Sword and cut off it’s ugly head.  But instead I work harder to revive it and bring it back to life than I did to strike the wound.  Then every time I have nursed it back to life I discover that it is more powerful than before and it will take even greater effort to force it into submission again.

So why do I allow something so ominous and threatening survive?  Why is it that I allow the part of me to live,  that wants to kill the part that desires good things?  I don’t understand it and to be quite honest, I’m more than a little mad at myself.  I think it’s time for a killing.  If I am ever going to become all YHWH wants me to be, I must complete this task and decapitate the carnal man.

So just how am I going to do this?  Well here is what has worked before. 

1. Prayer

On  my face frequently and staying that way until things change.  If I really fear (yarah) YHWH then I will realize the only safe place is prostrate.

2.  Fasting

Denying my nefesh the very thing it demands makes it weaker.  In fact, the more you deny it’s cravings the lesser it becomes.  In the process of denying the carnal nature the spiritual man gets stronger.

3. Stay In the Word

Reading, studying and memorizing the Word does something to the inner man.  Scripture is like the protein of the spirit.  Prayer and emunah (a living faith) works out the spiritual muscles, while fasting burns off the unwanted carnal fat, but it’s the Word that provides the fuel needed to create new spiritual muscles.

So what is going to make this time different than before?  How will I complete the tasks set before me and conquer the ole man?  You.

That’s right, I have hooked you in.  By now you have read this far and you are committed to this challenge.  You will join me in this battle, you will fight by my side and together we will be victorious over the flesh.  For you see, I know that you too have these same issues.  I know that you have fought these same battles and felt these same frustrations and now you are accountable.

Are you ready to join together with me and fight this fight to the end?  Are you prepared to be different and become the child of YHWH that He wants you to be?

If so, let’s do this together.  Let’s commit mass suicide of our nefesh.  The world thinks we are a cult anyways, so come on drink the spiritual Kool Aid with me and let’s die together.  Trust me when YHWH sits down on the throne of our heart (nefesh), we will be a new creature.