Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The 25 Year Journey

This will be a long post and not easy to write, but I promise to make it interesting and you won’t regret reading it.

Twenty-five years ago I looked into the most beautiful eyes YHWH has ever created and made a vow before Him and around 150 people.

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I didn’t really know how to keep a vow or the seriousness of the vow I was pledging, but I was young and in love, so I was all in.  I have a few things to confess here and this isn’t easy.  I was a lousy husband from the beginning.  I was selfish and hateful with a smart aleck mouth.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Margaret didn’t look at me while I was sleeping sometimes and contemplate me demise. 

It’s not that I didn’t love Margaret, it’s just that I didn’t know how to love and certainly didn’t know how to treat a wife.  You see I hadn’t ever paid attention to married couples and therefore I wasn’t following any examples that may or may not have been available. 

For many years Margaret put up with my issues and she still loved me.  I was immature and irresponsible so I couldn’t be relied upon to keep a job or make anything of myself.  I flew through jobs like they grew on trees.  My career instability created a financial nightmare, but Margaret still loved me.

I was always faithful to Margaret, but being faithful alone isn’t enough to cover up the lack of compassion and kindness I was displaying.  I was quick to insult and belittle Margaret, be it in private or publically.  I am surprised someone didn’t confront me about these issues, or maybe they did and I just ignored them.

We moved around a lot, which allowed Margaret to see parts of the United States she hadn’t seen before, but women prefer to have a nest to settle in and I couldn’t even pick a tree.  Through all of this, Margaret still loved me.

Margaret had a real tough couple of years at the end of the 90’s.  In 1996 Margaret’s dad, Robert Sabo came down with cancer.  In just a few months he was gone.  Then exactly 10 months later she lost her mother, Sue Sabo to a stroke.  During this time, Margaret stayed by both of their sides and was a caring and loving daughter.  It pains me to say that I was not the loving and caring husband.  I was so selfish that during this time I took every opportunity to remind Margaret of my father’s passing in 1976 and how much worse that was on me.  I should have held her more and supported her better but I was too self centered to think of her, but Margaret still loved me.

In 1997 Margaret and I made another vow.  We typed up a contract (covenant) between us and God that we would follow Him we ever he led us and we wouldn’t question or doubt His leading.  We signed it, prayed over it and filed it away.  Again, I didn’t know how to keep a vow and how serious this promise was to YHWH. 

YHWH did lead us and we did follow, but I seemed to always have my selfish motives to everything I did. We ended up in Rawlins, WY.  Neither one of us had ever been in Wyoming and this was quite a shock.  I went into the move thinking that I would go to Wyoming and get those people straightened out.  Well the best made plans of mice and men…

By 1998 Margaret and I had given up on the notion of ever having children.  We already had been told by three doctors that Margaret would never have children, so those dreams had crashed and burned.  Honestly, the problem was probably that I would have been a terrible dad with all of my emotional baggage. 

Wyoming did several things to/for our marriage.  We had been married almost twelve years and except for just a couple short years, we had always been poor.  Wyoming made the previous years look like w were wealthy, it broke us and crushed our finances to dust.  We both worked double jobs and still didn’t have a dime.  We went so deep in debt, there was no hope of seeing daylight.  Physically, I crashed and burned growing obese and unhealthy.

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In the midst of this and many other issues too numerous to list, YHWH began to do a work for our marriage.  In 1999, Margaret found out she was carrying our son.  I will never forget the profound changes that began the day I heard Zachry’s heartbeat and realized how selfish I had been.  Holding my miracle son in my arms was awesome and scary all at the same times.  We both shed a lot of tears during this time.

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In early 2000 we packed up what we had left and came to Texas to try and find reliable work.  I was making some effort to be a better husband and knew I had to work hard at being a good dad.  With the help of some dear family friends, I located a good job and within a short time we were getting back on track.

Around 2003, I hit bottom physically.  I ended up in the hospital with extremely high sugar readings. cholesterol counts and setting at 275 lbs.  Once again a made a vow. I had started to understand the spiritual significance of vows and knew I had to keep my end.  I vowed that at 35 years old, I would be in better shape at 55 than I was currently.  I can thankfully say today that I weigh 192 lbs. and am well on my way to keeping that vow.  Through these physical trials and diet nightmares, Margaret still loved me.

Around 2004 I was asked to attend a MIA (Messianic Israel Alliance) conference in Nashville. by John Robinson.  He wanted to make the trip in late December but was graciously willing to help me with the expense if I would ride along.  At the conference two teachings changed my life.  The guys from FFOZ (First Fruits of Zion) www.ffoz.org taught on “The Psalms 15 Man” and Frank Houtz http://www.drybonesrestorationcompany.com/ taught on the importance of echad (oneness) in a marriage.  Both of these teachings shook me to the core.  All the way back from Nashville to Seagoville, TX., I wept and confessed to John.  He was probably thankful when he finally put me out at my house.  On that ride home, I made another vow, I would become the husband and father YHWH expected me to be.  I would change my attitude, my conversation and the way I treated my family.  Thankfully I did begin to change and probably just in time to save my marriage.

Now you may be asking, what the is point of all this confession?  Why have I shared these 1157 words with you?  You may feel uncomfortable with the things I have shares.  If that is the case, please forgive me, but I have a reason for sharing.

After 25 years of being loved and supported by my beautiful and intelligent best friend, today I make a new vow.

The next 25+ years, I will do everything in my power to repay Margaret Ann Cagle for all of the things listed above and the innumerable things I chose not to mention that she has been through.  I will treat her the way she wants to be treated and show her complete unselfish love.  I will take joy in making her happy and loved.  I fully understand that I cannot undo the things I have done but I am confident that I can enough right things to make the wrong a distant and far away memory.

I love you Margaret and thank YHWH everyday that he blessed me with you.

Kennie and Margaret wedding 1

November 21, 1987

 

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October 2012

25 years